Why am I now apologizing for being a straight white male, in the midst of Covid 19? It is due to the fact that the overwhelming likelihood is that when a cure or a vaccine for this dread disease is discovered, there will be, horrors!, a plethora of evil cis-gendered straight white males heavily involved in the laboratory. Hence, the timing of this apology.

That’s it. I can no longer stand it. I am a straight white male and I’ve long been exploiting, demeaning, belittling, disparaging, depreciating, patronizing, deprecating, being mean to, sneering at, criticizing, sticking my tongue out at, ruining, undermining, disheartening, being unfair to, condemning, abusing — females, blacks, gays, the disabled, and all other categories dreamed up by the cultural Marxists. I apologize. Mea culpa. I’m sorry. I’ll try not to do it anymore. But, I just can’t help myself. It just comes so naturally to me to trade in on my straight white male privilege, to the detriment of everyone else on the planet.

Why just the other day I belted my friend Walter Williams in the chops (he’s twice my size so if you believe this, I’ve got a bridge to sell you). Why did I do this? Simple, I’m a straight white male, and he’s not. I had to put him in his place. Only last week I did the same thing to another friend of mine, Deirdre McCloskey (she’s twice my size too, so if you believe this, I’ve got another bridge to sell you). Why did I do this? Simple, I’m a straight white male, and she’s not. I just had to put her in her place. I tried not to do this. Honest Injun (so to speak; I apologize for saying this too). Speaking of Native Americans (see, I’m reforming) one of my many co-authors, Adam Crepelle, has that heritage. I was gonna sock him in the nose, but I thought twice about this, and chickened out. He’s not twice my size, but he’s younger than me by about 40 years, and lifts weights. See, I’m reforming. But, I was thinking about belting him one. Why, you ask? Not to be repetitive or anything, but, it is simple: I’m a straight white male, and he’s not. I just had to demonstrate his inferior status in the proper white male manner.

But I’m really serious about giving up my straight white male privilege. I am now starting a new twelve step program: Straight White Male Privilege Anonymous (SWMPA). We’ll meet regularly. We’ll study the Big Book. Only, instead of praying not to be overtaken by alcohol we’ll earnestly try to overcome, you guessed it, our straight white male privilege. Of course, SWMPA will be limited to straight white males. No, wait. Wouldn’t that be discriminatory? Wouldn’t that be an exercise of our straight white male privilege, instead of the absolute rejection of it that we shall be striving for? I honestly (to the extent that a straight white male can be honest, which is very limited indeed) don’t know. I’ll have to consult my local cultural Marxist on this matter.

To continue this litany of my faults: Yesterday I got another raise in salary (I wish!). This means that my income, along with other sick, disgusting, degenerate, evil, monstrous, revolting, repulsive, degenerate, decadent, debased, immoral, debauched, perverted, corrupt, wicked, malevolent, atrocious, gruesome, ghastly, monstrous, bizarre, sordid, malicious, horrific, straight white males, is even higher than it otherwise would have been. The pay gap between me and the noble members of the human race (e.g., those who are not straight white males), is even greater. Again, I apologize. I ask for forgiveness. I prostrate myself at everyone else’s feet. I greatly regret earning more money, because it comes at the expense of everyone else who is not a dreaded, you guessed it, straight white male.

I am getting tired of listing my faults. I’m now going to get out there and do something about this (in addition to initiating SWMPA). The next time someone offers me a raise, or wants to publish a book or article of mine, or asks me to speak at their conference, or praises me in any manner, way, shape or form, I am going to decline. It is time, it is past time, that we straight white males started to ride in the back of the bus. No more inventions from the likes of us. No more creativity from the likes of us. No more medical breakthroughs from the likes of us; let people die from the coronavirus; there are more important things than saving lives; being politically correct chief amongst them. No more new computer programs from the likes of us. No more movies from the likes of us. (We are all Harvey Weinsteins). No more going to the Moon. No more listening to the music of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Johann Sebastian Bach, Antonio Vivaldi, Gaetano Donizetti, Tomaso Albinoni, Georg Philipp Telemann, Jean-Philippe Rameau, George Frederic Handel, Wilhelm Hieronymus Pachelbel, Domenico Scarlatti, Francesco Geminiani, Giuseppe Tartini, Giovanni Battista Sammartini, Wilhelm Friedemann Bach, Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach, Johann Wenzel Anton Stamitz, Leopold Mozart, Armand-Louis Couperin, Johann Christoph Friedrich Bach, Joseph Haydn, Johann Christian Bach, Carl Friedrich Christian Fasch, Michael Haydn, Carl Ditters von Dittersdorf, Luigi Boccherini, Carl Stamitz, Antonio Salieri, Muzio Clementi, Ludwig van Beethoven, Johann Nepomuk Hummel, Niccolò Paganini, Louis Spohra and Franz Schubert (this is the merest tip of the iceberg of great music; believe me, as our President would say).

Sorry, I’m not going through the list of white males who have contributed to other aspects of our civilization. Enough is enough. Otherwise, one might be fooled into thinking that only white males have made such contributions. And this would be false. But, not by much. Oh, wait. I promised to reform. It is sooooo difficult, given the evidence. Oh, wait again. I’m not supposed to mention the “e” word. It is so straight white male. A thousand pardons.

Straight white males all have certain anatomical features, and pigmentation, and desire for the company of members of the opposite sex, that make us the enemies of all and sundry. I have heard the word from the feminists, from the professors who offer courses in black and queer and other such whining studies at universities. I shall repent. Well, to the best of my straight white male ability. Which isn’t saying much.