Apr 14, 2024

Dissociated Press

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has accused Iran of “weaponizing sexual violence” by using  enormous, tumescent phallic-shaped missiles to “engage in the widespread and systematic rape of Israeli women.” Netanyahu claimed, without presenting evidence, that the missiles were programmed with sophisticated software enabling them to perform mass rapes with unprecedented efficiency and brutality. “The Iranian missile force has used widespread and systematic rape as a weapon of war. We will respond by exterminating the seed of Amalek!” the Prime Minister shouted.

The visibly unhinged Israeli leader also accused Iran of using its missiles to “behead 40 babies” and “rip fetuses out of pregnant women’s bellies and eat them.”  Though Netanyahu did not explain how the missiles could eat the babies, President Joe Biden quickly echoed the Prime Minister’s charges in a nationally televised address, adding that he had seen videos of Iranian missiles greedily devouring fetuses and headless infants.

Netanyahu also said that another Iranian missile was designed to land, expand into a gas chamber, and lure Jews to their deaths by scattering trails of counterfeit shekels leading straight into what appeared to be a shower room with a malfunctioning ATM machine. “The diabolical cunning of such an ethnic-specific extermination weapon shows how uniquely evil the Iranians are,” Netanyahu claimed. “They know that Jewish DNA contains a gene for ‘if I don’t steal it, someone else gonna steal it.’”

Netanyahu angrily insisted that the Iranian special weapons program is working on a Jew-detection device using a combined lie detector and breathalyzer. “If it detects someone who lies like he breathes, it concludes that that person is Jewish and thus a legitimate target. Who could ever imagine anything that evil?”

Supporting Netanyahu’s rape allegations, Yossi Landau, head of Israel’s ZAKA group of sadomasochistic fantasy novelists, claimed in an interview with the Daily Wire that he had personally witnessed cases of Iranian rockets raping, killing, dismembering, and devouring Israeli women and children. “It was so terrible, so indescribable…I can’t even begin to describe it,” Landau blubbered unconvincingly to Ben Shapiro. (In subsequent interviews with real journalists, Landau walked back his claim, saying that he had merely assumed that missile-rape was occurring due to powerful explosions in the sky that “sounded like orgasms.”)

Reached at his residence in the House of Leadership in Iran, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said there was not much point in denying such preposterous allegations, especially since his denials would be buried in the last paragraph of Western media articles.