Dissociated Press

In its latest effort to combat anti-Semitism, Columbia University has built a separation wall around its campus and hired Israeli Defense Forces soldiers to guard the checkpoints. Non-Jewish students and professors attempting to enter campus are strip-searched, menaced with attack dogs, and otherwise ritually humiliated. Students suspected of being Christian are spat upon in accordance with Jewish custom.

The rising tide of anti-Semitism on campus has also led administrators to consider evicting non-Jewish students from dormitories, where their rooms will be used to house Jewish students descended from Holocaust survivors. Under the plan, any non-Jews who tried to remain in their dorm rooms would be bulldozed, shot, droned, or bombed.

The proposed Zero Tolerance for Antisemitism initiative would also define anti-genocide protestors as terrorists. Israeli AI would comb the internet, predict which students and faculty members are suspected of terrorism, and eliminate them and their families and extended families and neighborhoods with US-taxpayer-supplied 2000-pound fragmentation bombs.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu hailed the separation wall as “long overdue,” and demanded that the other measures be immediately implemented. “You must remember what Amalek has done to you!” Netanyahu roared in yesterday’s speech before the US Congress. The Israeli prime minister’s address was repeatedly interrupted by standing ovations and shouts of “amen” from right-wing Christian congressmen, who lined up afterwards to be spat on by the Israeli Prime Minister and his security detail.

The Anti-Defamation League issued a statement praising Columbia administrators for making their campus a safe space for Jews: “The only place Jews feel safe is Israel. If we want Jews to feel safe on college campuses, those campuses need to resemble Israel as much as possible. We hope that other American universities follow Columbia’s lead and Zionize their campuses, making anti-Semitism in higher education a thing of the past.”

Administrators will vote next week on a proposal that would expand the university by expropriating neighborhoods surrounding the campus, massacring and expelling the inhabitants, and building Jews-only student and faculty settlements. A related measure that would direct the IDF to kill hundreds of anti-genocide students and bulldoze them into mass graves was tabled pending further debate.